June 18, 2006
Coriander fascists are taking over the catering industry. The filthy stuff is everywhere, smothering decent food with its appalling stench. Its pretty little leaf and healthy image make it a perfect marketing ploy to convince a gullible public theyíre eating an exotic delicacy when itís actually nothing more than an excuse for lazy cuisine. I hate the foul weed with every shred of my being, truly I do.
My first encounter with this disgusting herb was at an Indian restaurant where I used to eat on the journey home after I'd been working late. They served the most delicious Chicken Tikka Massala (OK, old hat now). It was orgasmically good, a glorious tangy aromatic dish like nothing I had tasted before. I actually found myself delaying departure from the office in order to tell the wife not to worry about dinner as I'd have a bite on the way.
One evening, juices flowing, I dived into my favourite dish and was instantly mugged by the taste of rotting flesh, candle wax and shoe polish. What in heavenís nameÖ? I tried another mouthful. It was worse. I wanted to retch. The shock was unbearable. A cupful of neat petrol would have been a merciful relief from the stench pervading my mouthÖ my whole body.
I hailed the waiter and choked out a request for an explanation. He did not speak English. Panic set in. I demanded to see the manager. He came over and asked what the problem was. Barely able to speak, I stuttered something about the food being rancid, or have they changed the recipe? ďOnly a little corianderĒ he said proudly.
On examination it turned out to be, indeed, a little. Just a few stalks the size of toenail clippings. Honestly, I would sooner have eaten a bowlful of toenail clippings Ė trampís toenail clippings - than this poison. It didnít just wreck the meal but left me with an abiding hatred of coriander which, try as I may, will not subside to this day.
I really would prefer to like the stuff and I do use lots of coriander seed in cookery. Very occasionally I have been able to stomach coriander when used in small quantities and cooked thoroughly (Iíve also read that the pre-flowering variety is not so bad, but what are the chances of being able to find out in advance whether itís a young or old plant in your food?).
Coriander (as itís known here in England) should be eradicated. It should be targeted like opium poppy fields by aircraft fitted with kerosene sprays and incendiary bombs, to ensure the whole lot is wiped out. Every last plant, every last leaf. It is the snozzcumber of modern catering (for those who have read Roald Dahlís BFG http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Snozzcumber ).
A plague on the vile weed. A plague on the coriander fascists who force-feed us with the revolting plant and treat us like weirdoís when we say we donít like it.
And thank the Lord for this website. I thought I was alone.