July 15, 2014
When I was in high school, my dad used to make these amazing stir-fries for me and my sister. He would put all sorts of different vegetables in every time. One fateful evening that my dad made a stir-fry, I noticed something tasted "off" about it. But I ate most of it anyway. I mistakenly thought it was the new kind of squash he included that I didn't like. However I didn't take the time to taste-test each ingredient like I should have. In his next stir-fry, the taste was there again, and it offended me more than last time. This time I told him, "Dad, something tastes bad in this. Most of it is great but I keep getting certain bites that taste REALLY weird." My dad didn't know what I was talking about, so I decided to pick through the various vegetables and try them one-by-one, to find out what I didn't like. To my surprise I loved the squash by itself, and basically everything else... until I decided to bite into a little green leaf. I had almost ignored it. But once my teeth went through it, I knew it was the culprit. What I can only describe as the combined taste of soap and metal filled my mouth, and I gagged a little. I pulled the severed leaf out of my mouth and brought it to my dad. "What's this," I asked him, vexed that something so vile would be in his delicious dish. "Oh, that's just cilantro," he replied. "It's a spice." I asked him if he cold exclude it from his next stir-fry, and he said "sure" - but I now knew my enemy.
Fast forward a few years. I went to college and no longer have food given to me by my generous parents. Instead I make my own food, and eat out a lot... and CILANTRO keeps showing up! It's like an evil plague destined to make all food taste worse. It shows up in Thai food, Indian food (not even supposed to be in this), and a bunch of other unnecessary places. I can't even eat Mexican food because most of it uses this disgusting "plant" (more like poison). The other day I ordered a burrito at Chipotle with "NO CILANTRO", and the GUACAMOLE had cilantro in it. Not only did they serve me incorrectly, but they betrayed my trust with something that is supposed to be delicious. Avocado is a magic fruit. It tastes good with nearly everything. Cilantro is pure evil. It completely overpowers the flavor of anything it is in, and should not be used in anything!! The two should not be combined!!! ALL CILANTRO SHOULD BE BANNED. (and replaced with parsley)