Cilantro NO!
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Cilantro, NO!

Supporting the fight against cilantro!

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A Story


i am 32 yo male, living in Dubai. i have moved in (from my home country) when i was 28 back in 2012, so my worst year in my life, introduced this coriander (or whatever you call it) to me. if life gives you lemons, you should be so grateful that it didn`t give you coriander. my life is now split into two parts, BC(before coriander) and AC(alternating current).

i am annoyingly picky on food and ofcourse not opened to try new things, such as trying indian food, asian cuisine, getting a tulip tattoo on my butt or having sex with a parrot. i am just ordinary, boring and lazy person who can survive on 1 food till i die. i really dont mind it.

So i was about to have my very first dinner in Dubai, and i was trying to spot some familiar looking food for me, out of plenty of indian food options. and my eyes sparked... seeing some food with parsley in it, my brain agreed, i love parsley. who doesnt love it?

i was about to have my first bite, but since my nose is close to my mouth and it does its job perfectly, it gave me the early warning. that horrible smell!!! i was like wtf, where does this smell come from? it was my very last moments of BC(before coriander) times (those old, happy days when birds were singing beautifully, also grass was greener, the light was brighter), i was so naive, inexperienced, a coriander virgin. i ignored the smell, thinking i might have farted unknowingly and had a bite of it.

that taste... that moment of my life... i stopped chewing it, looking around with empty eyes. waiter showed up at that moment and asked if i would like a drink with my food. i had the food in my mouth, not being able to chew or swallow or even spitting it out. i stared at his face, took my pen, wrote down on the tissue, ` one bottle of bleach please. no ice. thank you.`

space-time was bent, time slowed down. thinking that first plants appeared on this plant around 700 millions years ago. and you go through 700 million years of evolution and this is the end product? but justin bieber is also latest product of human evolution anyway. i concluded that evolution is just bullshit. i was just punished by a divine power, cause i refused to eat my mom`s delicious food when i was a kid. that simple. we shouldn`t upset our moms. never. they are angels.

anyways, i was still holding the food but also embarrassed to spit it out, i decided to wait and see if i can digest it in my mouth. my biology knowledge was enough to know that i was just beating the air. so made the right decision, and spat it out.

when i regained consciousness after the shock i went through, i wanted to know what the hell it was and i googled some stuff such as what are the side effects of having plutonium in food, will i be able to have a baby in the future, will i get cancer, will my eye sight deteriorate, eating uranium, black death, lionel messi vs cristiano ronaldo, etc.

but very first of all, i didn t know what the hell it was. so i drew a good police skecth with the information left in my brain. `it was green, looking like a parsley. searched it up and identified the suspect. coriander. then immediately look up in dictionary to see what it is in my native language. haven t heard of it neither. i called my mom and asked her if she knows something like that, and she said me `ofcourse i know it and i love it.` second biggest shock of my life, it was not a nice way of realizing that i was adopted. definetely she couldn t be my biological mother. and 28 is too late to learn that you are adopted guys.

but after that moment, i had a goal in my life. something that i can devote myself. warning people about coriander, helping the victims with post-traumatic stress disorder after eating coriander, destroying coriander as much as i can.

then i went one step further ahead and i started up `coriander anonymous` , we gather up once a week. we tell each others our stories, trying to comfort each other, giving hope for the future...

and our motto is `coriander, not even once!!!`