The 4th of July Cilantro Fiasco
July 03, 2007
I felt the need to tell this horror story of the cilantro that wouldn't die. It's the day before the 4th of July, my wife wanted to make something different, fresh, tasty, well we got different! She made a salsa that called for about a half cup of cilantro, mango, tomatoes and some other stuff. I was upstairs and heard a commotion and was immediately called down to taste the salsa.
I went to the bowl and took a tortilla chip while my son watched with a sort of fish eye look. I thought, ok, it's going to be hot. Oh Jesus, Mary and Joseph, I wish it was hot, hot enough to burn my tongue from the torture it was enduring, putting it out of it's misery. While I reached for a knife to cut the poor thing out, my son told me to grab a Coke out of the fridge which after heaving so heavily that I could be considered possessed, worked. We then told my 9 year old to try it, his face curled, his eyes buckled and his cheeks began sucking in, he ran in circles as if on fire and so another can of Coke was needed.
My wife couldn't figure out what happened as the food network suggested cilantro. I smelled it and thought, dear lord, what animal wiped with this leaf before it made it's way into our salsa?! So we gave a piece to our faithful pet hamster, who is known to eat anything. I never saw an animal pull out food so darn fast, I think he even threw it! He definitely gave us a dirty look!
This prompted us to look it up thinking something was horribly wrong with satan's herb. We stumbled here seeing and laughing as we now know it's something from a Stephen King novel called cilantro. I would rather eat a dead bird than endure this grotesque taste EVER again, brush my teeth with a toilet brush or perhaps gargle battery acid, this is the only way to liken it to cilantro. The evil leaf will never be allowed in this house or near it ever again. I am taking it outside tomorrow, attaching a bottle rocket to it's disgusting rear and shooting it as far to space as possible.